Today is the day out of so many other days I am counting the number of days left. I honestly don’t know how or if there is any other ways for me to reach out to you but if you’re reading this that I hope somehow I manage to reach out to you.
I’m missing you so much. Never have I ever felt this much love for someone and from someone. The pain, hardship, time and space, somehow have shed some light into my soul about the importance of having you in my life. Without you I’m at the lowest of my life I could ever be. I could put on a fake smile in hopes that people would think I’m happy but deep down I’m not without you. At the same time you’re giving me the opportunity to step up and take control to every situation be it if it’s successful or a failure. All you wanted from me was to man myself up and stand up.
Every human in this world make mistakes that isn’t forgivable, I get that. I’ve made mistakes, a mistake many would not forgive me for. I sat from the day to the night, having to absorb and reflect on the things that have been going on lately and realised how much it really means to have you in my life and I snapped when everything was so clear like crystal.
This is me, an ordinary guy, a 28 years old guy. A guy whom made a mistake in life, a guy whom is standing up and pushing himself forward despite all the negative feelings and thoughts in hope that one day he’ll be a better person. I’m given a month, a month of what? A month of having a break, a given time alone and space. I never expected to feel so much this quickly and it’s only day one. That’s how quick everything sank in and how quickly one can feel and think.
It is clear to me that I had made a mistake towards someone I love the most. Ego aside, guns down. It’s never wrong to admit your mistakes but it’s wrong not to own that mistake. As the day and the night goes by I am embracing this and embarking to a journey of my own, a journey that’s unpredictable and I hope there is light to the end of this journey.
I took the time I had and found me a place where I can relax my mind with nature and the sound of a turbine engine spooling up. It’s weird but there’s a satisfaction to it for me at least.
I am not the best but I am always trying to do better for myself and the relationship I have with you. Learning at every step I take alone and with you. It’s not a easy process but it’s a process I’m willing to go through.
I hope as you read this unfortunate way of me reaching out that I’m not giving up not because I promised you that I wouldn’t give up no matter how difficult it may be for us in time to come but I’m not giving up for myself and for us. I’m owning it.
I’ll take your hand once again and walk this life with you through whatever obstacles and difficulties we may face. I’m never letting go of hope.
Whatever that we may face in the future. Know that I’m always here. I miss you and love you so much.
P.S: I’m noticing some signs of depression.
Syed signing out. I will continue writing as and when I feel that I need to.